...

sometimes i wonder how much more can a person do to redeem himself or how many more times can a person show that he has changed or how much length does a person has to go through just to get have the trust that have been lost.

i have done some shit in my life, things that have hurt people i love, things that i have regretted doing. i know, it doesn't change the fact that i was an asshole. but goddammit, i have been trying so hard ever since to make up for all of it.

it's so hard when everything you do seems half-full to the person you want to show it to. everything seems not enough, there is always something wrong about it. something's not done right, something's not said right. but because you're on the wrong side, you just have to suck it all up. say to yourself that you deserve it, you fucked up and you have to endure it. try again next time.

but for how long? for how much longer?

i don't want to end up thinking that all that i have been trying to do is for nothing. i don't want to end up giving it all up. i was never a quitter. i always try to suck it up and try again. i don't want to feel like this is all i am going to do for the rest of my life, trying to prove myself.

so, how much more can a person do to redeem himself?

you get what you deserve. or so they say..

ayon sa kasabihan, "kung ano ang itinanim, s'yang aanihin." pero sa nangyari sa akin noong isang araw, parang ang lahat ng itinanim at pinaghirapan ko nitong mga nagdaang taon sa aking trabaho ay napunta lang sa wala.

marahil, masyadong mabigat na sabihin ko na "napunta sa wala". marami naman akong natutunan simula ng pumasok ako sa pinagtatrabahuhan ko ngayon. hindi lang sa mga aspetong teknikal (na importante sa isang I.T. professional), pati na rin mga patungkol sa kung papaano maging isang mahusay na empleyado (salamat sa aking project manager para dito). pero sa nangyari noong isang araw, ang pakiramdam ko (hanggang ngayon), lahat ng pinaghirapan ko ay nawalan ng saysay.

marahil iniisip ng iba na masyado kong dinaramdam ang nangyari; pero para sa akin, dapat ko s'yang damdamin! mabuti sana kung alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako karapat-dapat! mabuti sana kung alam ko (at ng mga taong naka-trabaho ko) na hindi ko pinaghirapan at pinagbutihan ang mga ginagawa ko! and i didn't just worked hard, i fucking excelled at what i was doing!

at ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang susunod kong mga hakbang. hindi ko alam kung ipapagpatuloy ko pa ang laban na ito o subukan ko ng makipag-sapalaran sa iba. maraming bagay na dapat pag-isipan pa ng maigi. maraming oras pa na dapat pagmuni-munihan. sana maisip ko ang tamang gawin.

pero sa ngayon, gusto ko lang muna magalit. hanggang sa maubos. para pagbalik ko sa trabaho sa lunes ay makausap na ako ng maayos ng mga tao. para pagbalik ko sa trabaho sa lunes, ipamumukha ko sa kanila na nagkamali sila sa desisyong ginawa nila.

chuck versus the season finale

i just finished watching the finale episode for season 2 of Chuck, and i can say this much about the episode: IT TOTALLY ROCKS!!!

well, at least the final 5 minutes of the episode.

the wedding scenes are very much light on the comedy and surprise. i was expecting more really on those scenes because this is the part of chuck bartowski where there's a lot of conflict. good thing there is the awesome performance by the Jeffster! yeah! i wish there would be a special downloadable version of their rendition of Mr. Roboto from their site. that would really make my day.

the final moments of the episode, as i said was really great. the fans would totally love it and geeks would dig the reference to The Matrix. finally, something that would change the status quo of chuck bartowski. quitting the buy more, accepting his destiny at being a spy and getting some kick ass upgrades! the dynamics of the members of project: bartowski would really change now because of these changes to special agent carmichael.

let's just hope that season 3 would become a reality so that us fans would still continue to be entertained by the awesomeness that is CHUCK.

let's save chuck!

next week, last episode na ng season 2 ng paborito kong geek comedy TV show na Chuck. at kapag mamalasin, baka last episode na talaga ito dahil nanganganib na i-drop na ang show from the NBC network. so far, wala pa ring balita kung ililipat ba ito ng network para ma-renew or talagang matatapos na ng tuluyan.

kakatapos ko lang mapanuod yung 2nd to the last episode ng season na ito, and its definitely the best episode so far of the season. medyo matagal na rin sa season na ito na napatawa talaga ako ng husto at natuwa sa mga karakter. medyo matumaw kase ang ilang episodes sa gitna ng season, minsan parang wala sa tamang sequence, minsang parang paulit-ulit. pero nitong mga huling episodes, nagiging maganda na ulit. parang season 1 na ulit. at SANA hindi dito matatapos ang mga kasiyahan na binibigay ng show na ito.

marami rin akong mga kaibigan na gusto ang palabas na Chuck. may ilan na nakakasunod sa geekness ng show at sa mga pop culture references na pinapakita bawat episodes (i'm a computer & gaming geek myself). may ilan na nanunuod dahil sa kalokohan ng mga buy more weirdoes. ang ilan ay dahil sa love story nina Chuck at Sarah. marami rin upang mapanuod every week ang hotness incarnate na si yvonne strahovski (yeah!).

pero hindi pa sure kung babalik for season 3 ang tropa ng Chuck. so, para sa mga fans ng show na ito, baka meron tayong magawa para mapagmuni-munihan ng mga executives ng NBC na ipagpatuloy pa ang istorya. maraming mga fansites ang nagbibigay ng mga suggestions kung papaano tayong mga fans eh makatulong sa campaign. una na rito ang pagsusulat sa NBC network mismo. ang ChuckTV site eh mayroong "Chuck Campaign: Watch/Buy/Share" at "Chuck Campaign: Write a Letter". ang Zachary-Levi fansite ay mayroon namang "Chuck versus The Footlong campaign" na nakakatuwa.

after nitong post na ito, ang next composition ko naman eh emails para kay Ben Silverman at kay Angela Bromstad (mga executives ng NBC network). im joining the campaign. i'll try and do my part in saving Chuck.

what doesn't kill you, just makes you stronger. i hope.

i really don't know why, but lately, i feel like my body is getting to stressed too much (or is getting too old, too fast).

a few days ago, i was feeling some tightness in my chest. it continued to the rest of that night and then again in the morning the day after. and because the feeling just became very much uncomfortable, i decided to go to the nearest hospital from the office (which is the Medical City Hospital in Ortigas. that was my first time there, and although i really don't like being in hospitals, i was really amazed on how great the facilities are and how their systems works).

the doctors did their tests and diagnosis, and found that there is nothing wrong with my heart. the heartbeats are normal, BP is normal, my ECG was normal. so the tightness is probably caused by something else aside from the heart. the doctor said it could be GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease). he gave me meds and said that observe what happens in a week.

good thing the tightness in my chest subsided over the afternoon.

since i was already in the hospital that day, i decided to also have my right eye checked coz i have been feeling a bit of pressure (and pain) on the top side of my eyeball whenever i turn my eye to the right. i had 2 eye doctors checked up on me and they both couldn't find out what's causing the pain. my eyesight is normal, i was not having double visions, i have no swelling in my eyeballs, the orbital x-rays show that there are no fractures on my eye sockets.

they say everything is normal, but i was feeling the pain in my eye until the next day.

and then earlier tonight, just after finishing up at work, i suddenly felt some muscle pain on my right shoulder. i could not remember what i did to cause the pain. at first, it was very much tolerable, the pain was there, but i could handle it. then after just about 20 minutes, the pain just fucking escalated. whenever i take a deep breath, the muscles on my shoulder pulses with pain.

and i was planning on playing bowling tonight. talk about wrong timing.

so, i decided to go home instead. i could only do shallow breathing coz the pain is just crazy whenever i take a deep breath. i bought myself some medicated plaster (mentopas) and had it put on my shoulder and took some pain killer pills to shake off the pain.

good thing i am having my Annual Physical Exam tomorrow morning, i would have this checked up. hopefully i could have an idea on why this happened. or maybe its just repetitive strain injury because of my job description (of typing lots and lots of lines of codes in front of the computer).

hope the medicated plaster and pain pills get me thru the night.